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Since I was 10
I have had mental illness since I was 10. At least that is the earliest I can think of an issue. I am not saying a mental illness. What I wrote before is not a grammatical error. I did not just have one. I had a bundle at 10, that I am taking a lifetime to unpack. There are pieces I take out like anxiety or PTSD, but they are all apart of my mental illness bundle. I would like to drop these pieces and items. Leave them on the wayside as garbage or pollution for the earth. I would give almost anything to drop them aside and make them someone else's problem. But it is my bundle that for some reason was either given to me or I picked up. I was 10 years old...I didn't know what it was...I was only 10. Only 10 and making decisions that would shape the world. Damn.
I can't sleep
I am trying to be normal, keep moving forward, and live my life. No one said it would be easy. I never assumed it would be easy. But I hoped. Deep down. Hidden in the lowest level, I hoped. And because that hope was there every step, breath, and motion... hurts.
I can see it
I can see it.
The end.
It is right there and it scares me.
I can see the end everywhere I look.
I see it in my parents, my family, my friends.
I can see in the flora and fauna.
I can see it in the garbage that lays on the ground.
I can see it in my hands, my body, my soul.
The end is everywhere, I can see it.
But it won't be the end that kills me.
My fears, my anxieties, my negligence.
These will kill me.
I hope I am not too late to reform.
Just a thought
An ex contacted me the other day.
He ghosted me. He wanted to explain why. All I could think was, 'why me?'
An ex texted me another day.
He wanted to talk. He missed talking to me. We hadn't talked since I found out about his girlfriend.
I read his message and think, 'why me?'
An ex called me a while back.
He missed talking to me as well. He was drunk and high; that was the only way he could talk to me.
I think, 'why me?'
I don't want to talk.
I don't miss the talks.
I don't want an explanation.
I WANT TO BE LOVED!
...I want to be loved.
I look back at these men and I have to think, 'why them?'
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